I found this at Poetry Daily and I think it’s a great glimpse of one person’s struggle with the “What do I want to be when I grow up?” question. The lines We like to think they’re up to us, our lives, but by the time we/Glimpse the possibility of changing it’s already happened especially jumped out at me. I don’t think I’ll ever have it all figured out, and I’m glad to see that not everyone else will either.
Hamlet
By John Koethe
…a divinity that shapes our ends.
It was math and physics all the way,
The subjects of the life that I’d designed
In high school, that carried me away,
A callow California youth with Eastern dreams,
From home. The thought of something abstract
And aloof, penetrating to the heart of the unknown
And consigning everything else to the realm of unreality—
I didn’t believe it then and don’t believe it now,
Yet something in the fantasy felt so complete,
So like the lyrics of a song that spoke to me alone,
I bought it. How quaint that vision seems now
And mundane the truth: instead of paradox and mystery
And heroic flights of speculation that came true,
You had to start with classical mechanics and a lab;
Instead of number theory and the satisfactions
Of the private proof, a class of prodigies manquéé
Made jokes in mathematics that I didn’t get.
And there were problems with the style,
The attitudes, the clothes, for this was 1963,
The future waiting in the wings and practically on stage—
The Beatles and Bob Dylan and Ali, né Cassius Clay,
Who from the distance of today look like clichés of history,
But at the time seemed more like strangers in the
Opening pages of a story I was learning how to write.
The new year brought Ed Sullivan and track,
But what with winter and the little indoor track
My times were never close to what I’d run in high school.
I started hanging out across the hall—they seemed, I guess,
More “Eastern” than my roommates, closer to the picture of myself
That called me in the first place: Norwich, Vermont,
The Main Line and St. George’s, and (I guess it figured)
A prospective civil engineer. And then there was New York:
I’d been in once or twice, though not for dinner,
So when James suggested Richard Burton’s Hamlet
At the Lunt-Fontanne I fell right in. We went to dinner
At a place on Forty-sixth Street called Del Pezzo,
Up some steps and with bay windows and a chandelier.
We ordered saltimbocca and drank Soave Bolla
As I listened, Ripley-like, to recollections of three-hour
Lunches at a restaurant on a beach somewhere near Rome.
And then the lights went down, and when at last
The ghost had vanished, Burton strode upon the stage.
It was, I think, the first “bare” Hamlet—Hamlet
In a turtleneck, the rest in street clothes, virtually no scenery—
Leaving nothing but the structure of the play, and voices,
Burton’s resonant and strong yet trembling on the brink of
Breaking, as for hours, from the first I know not seems until
The rest is silence, he compelled the stage. And then,
The bodies everywhere, the theater went black and we went
Somewhere for a drink and took the last bus home—
For by then I’d come to think of it as home.
By next fall everything had changed. My roommates
Were the former guys across the hall, sans engineer.
In San Diego Mr. Weisbrod from the science fair
Was appalled, as math and physics disappeared,
Supplanted by philosophy. A letter from the track coach
Lay unanswered by an ashtray, and I took a course
From Carlos Baker, Hemingway’s biographer, in which I
First read modern poetry—The Waste Land, Moore, The Cantos,
Frost and Yeats—and dreamed that I might do that too.
I wish I knew what happened. Was the change
The outward resolution of some inner struggle
Going on since childhood, or just a symptom of the times?
So much of what we’re pleased to call our lives
Is random, yet we take them at face value,
Linking up the dots. Feeling out of it one evening,
Staring at our Trenton junk store chandelier,
I started a pastiche of Frost (”In the mists of the fall…”)
And even tried to write a play about a deadly clock
Styled on Edward Albee’s now (alas) forgotten Tiny Alice,
The object of another Broadway interlude, this time a matinee.
Hamlet was forgotten. Pound and Eliot gave way
To Charles Olson and the dogmas of projective verse,
To Robert Duncan and the egotistical sublime,
And finally to “the Poets of the New York School,”
Whose easy freedom and deflationary seriousness combined
To generate what seemed to me a tangible and abstract beauty
As meanwhile, in parallel, my picture of myself evolved
From California science whiz into impeccable habitué
Of a Fitzgerald fantasy. It became a kind of hobby:
Self-invention, the attempt to realize some juvenile ideal
I cringe to think of now, playing back and forth
Between the guise of the artiste and of the silly little snob,
A pose I like to think of as redeemed (just barely) by a
Certain underlying earnestness. Perhaps I’m being too harsh—
I was serious about the path I’d chosen, one I’ve
Followed now for forty years. What life worth living
Isn’t shaky at the outset, given to exaggerations and false starts
Before it finds its way? Those ludicrous personae were
A passing phase, and by my senior year whatever they’d concealed
Had finally settled into second nature. I’d go on,
But let me leave it there for now. My life after college
(Cf. “16A:” and “Falling Water”) more or less continued on the
Course I’d set there, mixing poetry and philosophy
In roughly equal parts, vocation and career. My days
Are all about the same: some language, thought and feeling
And the boredom of the nearly empty day, calling on my
Memory and imagination to compel the hours, from morning
Through the doldrums of the afternoon and into early
Evening, sitting here alone and staring at a page.
You’re probably wondering what provoked all this.
For years I’d heard they’d filmed a performance of the play,
To be shown just once and then (supposedly) destroyed.
Browsing on the Web about a month ago I entered,
Out of curiosity, “Richard Burton’s Hamlet” into Google.
Up it came, available from Amazon on DVD (apparently
Two copies had survived). I ordered it immediately,
Went out and bought a player (plus a new TV) and watched it
Friday evening, calling up the ghosts of forty years ago.
I’d misremembered one or two details—it was a V-neck,
Not a turtleneck, at least that night—but Burton was
As I’d remembered him, incredible, his powers at their peak,
Just after Antony and Arthur and before the roles
Of Beckett, Reverend Shannon, Alec Lemas, George;
Before the dissolution and decline and early death.
Some nights I feel haunted by the ghost of mathematics,
Wondering what killed it off. I think my life began to change
Just after that performance in New York. Could that have been the
Catalyst—a life of words created by a play about a character
Whose whole reality is words? It’s nice to speculate,
And yet it’s just too facile, for the truth was much more
Gradual and difficult to see, if there to see at all.
We like to think they’re up to us, our lives, but by the time we
Glimpse the possibility of changing it’s already happened,
Governed by, in Larkin’s phrase, what something hidden from us chose
And which, for all we know, might just as well have been the stars.
That adolescent image of myself dissolved, to be replaced by—
By what? I doubt those pictures we create are ever true—
Isn’t that the moral to be drawn from this most human of the plays?
It isn’t merely the ability to choose, but agency itself—
The thought that we’re in charge, and that tomorrow mirrors our
Designs—that lies in ruins on the stage. It isn’t just the
Life of a particular young man, but something like the very
Image of the human that dissolves into a mindless anonymity,
Dick Diver disappearing at the end of Tender Is the Night
Into the little towns of upper New York State.
I know of course I’m overacting. Burton did it too,
Yet left a residue of truth, and watching him last Friday
I began to realize there’d been no real change,
But just a surface alteration. Sometimes I wonder if this
Isn’t just my high-school vision in disguise, a naive
Fantasy of knowledge that survived instead as art—
Aloof, couched in the language of abstraction, flirting
Now and then with the unknown, pushing everything else aside.
This place that I’ve created has the weight and feel of home,
And yet there’s nothing tangible to see. And so I
Bide my time, living in a poem whose backdrop
Is the wilderness of science, an impersonal universe
Where no one’s waiting and our aspirations end.
Take up the bodies, for the rest is silence.